Yet another day of a sleepless night. I often stay awake at night when the earth is calm and no one is around. I feel at home in this isolation ... odd i know ... but more often than not there are many just like me. We sit behind our computers , reaching out to those we call friends online. You ask yourself are they truely my friends .. Do they even really care... some do .. some don't , it is all a gamble but one i have been glad to bet on.
Do you think a person can ever really be forgiven ? Do you think you could ever forgive yourself ? Thinking of all my mistakes of the past and present and i wonder ... who truely needs to be forgiven ... I think i need to forgive myself , but for what ... things i can not change ... for all the people i have hurt in my lifetime from innocent enough mistakes or over sights ? Do i honestly sabotage myself and cause my self more harm ... for what purpose ?
So many questions and no answers ... sitting in the dark waiting for a gentle voice to tell me it will be ok .. everything will be ok ..........but it never is ... and that voice is never heard. All leads up to resolve. Do you have things you regret and wished had happened differently ? Do you ever wish that just for one more moment in time .. even if it were for 5 minutes ... You could change it ... profess what needed to be said , get the closure you so desperately desired ....needed....
Sometimes ... Life has other things in mind .. and you never get that chance .. you are left behind to face demons you wish you never had to face ... you reach for closure only to find more pain .... You plead for death only to find a non existent life. Empty .... tired .... lonely. You become numb .. a different person than who you once were , a stranger in your own skin ... you cry .. and never know why. Insanity and chaos take over.
My struggles have only begun ... I ask now .. Do I have the strength to go on ? Of course i do .. but at what price will I have to pay in the end .........
Jenna~
Do you think a person can ever really be forgiven ? Do you think you could ever forgive yourself ? Thinking of all my mistakes of the past and present and i wonder ... who truely needs to be forgiven ... I think i need to forgive myself , but for what ... things i can not change ... for all the people i have hurt in my lifetime from innocent enough mistakes or over sights ? Do i honestly sabotage myself and cause my self more harm ... for what purpose ?
So many questions and no answers ... sitting in the dark waiting for a gentle voice to tell me it will be ok .. everything will be ok ..........but it never is ... and that voice is never heard. All leads up to resolve. Do you have things you regret and wished had happened differently ? Do you ever wish that just for one more moment in time .. even if it were for 5 minutes ... You could change it ... profess what needed to be said , get the closure you so desperately desired ....needed....
Sometimes ... Life has other things in mind .. and you never get that chance .. you are left behind to face demons you wish you never had to face ... you reach for closure only to find more pain .... You plead for death only to find a non existent life. Empty .... tired .... lonely. You become numb .. a different person than who you once were , a stranger in your own skin ... you cry .. and never know why. Insanity and chaos take over.
My struggles have only begun ... I ask now .. Do I have the strength to go on ? Of course i do .. but at what price will I have to pay in the end .........
Jenna~
We all have to pay a price for things we want, its all about how bad we want it and whether it worth it. You have to face your demons at some point unfortunately or they will keep eating at you. Wish there was another way around that hun, but i'm sorry there isn't. Just have to have people in your life that will support you and give that encouragement that you need to keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteYou know that I deal with depression too on a dailty basis. You are one of the reasons I keep going at all. I think the best thing you can do is remember the people who truly care about you like we do. You're a very special person and you make me feel better about myself. I do the best I can to return the favor.
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