Good days and the bad

Do you have days that are good and then comes the bad? When things are good you can laugh about anything , but when they are bad ..... you wish you were never even born , life just seems to punch you right where it hurts and you feel not wanted , needed or even seen for who you are. Today is one of those days .... no matter what i do , think say or feel ..... i am never going to be what everyone wants me to be .... I am not perfect .... i am not made of stone ....

I have emotions , i have thoughts and feelings that no one really wants to hear ... because if they hear them ... then i become human ... not important enough to be seen....

I try so hard to make everyone else happy ..... alll i really do is get hurt , and hurt back ...... somedays i just feel invisible to those who love me .... never knowing why but in the end .... just another day of feeling worthless .

My life with depression

My life with pain of not knowing why

My life with ........

Just my life.

Daily Dilema's

Well here I sit again. Nothing much to report this time , other than stress is getting the better part of me and I have once again went the route of doing what always feels comfortable to me. Hide from my problems , shut down , and walk away. I really must find another way of dealing with my stresses and depression. Some days seem better than others , but again ... I only open myself up for hurt , pain , anger , let down , and various other emotions that eventually lead to me crashing. Patterns are getting rather out of hand , but at least I am able to now see them where as before I was not. I see this as a good sign. A step toward helping myself understand what goes on in this head of mine.

Been Awhile

Ok well it's been awhile sense my last blog. Nothing much really going on in my life .. things have been hetic, and rather stressful. Not sleeping well , and yet again sick again. Not all is lost though.. Been making head way on website , and getting some really good creative ideas lately on new designs. Business is slowing down some and giving me a much needed break.

Right now i am just in a retro thinking mode ... thinking of everything and yet nothing all at the same time ... i feel like i am accomplishing nothing really , spinning wheels to another slow burn.

I am sure one day my head will be right and all things in life will be zen like again , but for the moment , i am slowing down and enjoying the moments in time i am in ... sleep will come , and calm will settle my oh so scattered mind.

Just Thoughts

You know through all my crap i deal with ... I can never forget those who help me through the rough times. In reality most of my friends are assholes who only care about themselves ... could be why i have such a crappy out look on friendship ... That's all i have known. My time online has been spent with various varities of people ranging from the bazar to the brilliant. Not all are so bad.

For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.

Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>

Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(

Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...

As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...


WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!

Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....

I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....

May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...

Jenna~

Just another day ..

Well today is my birthday... and i feel no different than the day before. Illusions are still all the same and for one moment i thought.... maybe .. just maybe...... this day will be different .. that for some reason I will have some sort of day without worry , pain , loneliness ... But again... Today is no different than any other day. Life is moving on ... no birthday cake to blow out the candles , no one to give me a hug and say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" no friends to throw that all so annoying surprise party where everyone gets so drunk that everyone is laughing at each other by the end of the night.

As we grow older , we come to realize that your birthday is just another day ... carries no real importance other than you are once again one more year older and closer to death. When you are a child ... and your parents throw you that birthday party , all your friends and family are over you sing , you laugh , you eat cake and ice cream ... You feel you are the only person in the world and that special feeling makes you feel loved....Special...

You get older .... the parties begin to fade ... your family is busy working .. and your friends have went on to live their own lives .... doesn't make you feel that special anymore ... Just another day.

This is the price i have paid in living with my depression ... became so isolated ... that even i do not see myself anymore. I am not the once cheery bouncy little girl with the long blond hair. It's my birthday .... and i feel nothing at all ... It's my birthday ... and .... well ... it's just another day.

Happy Valentines Day everyone !

Jenna~

What Is Reality & What Is Fantasy?

Have you ever found out something you wished you really hadn't? Just blindly go on with life as if it never happened ? Have you ever had a friend who turned out to not be such a good friend after all ? Has that friend lied to you .. making you believe they were there for you when in reality they were NOT!

People will only show you what they want you to see , I have found this out over the years ... and yet ... still find myself getting hurt by those who would call themselves my "friends." Is it just our human nature to lie? I don't think it is ... I think it is more of a characteristic that needs to be forgotten and stomped out of our society to never return.

When did humanity and compassion take a backseat to personal gain ? People should think before they act ... everything has reaction to your actions ...

Why do we surround ourselves with people we know will end up hurting us? why do we dream just to never have those dreams realized ?

More questions than answers ... so much confusion ... lost in thought...

I wonder, someday .. will I ever find that completeness that most seem to have .. I will push on through till i do , but how much more suffering do i have to take.

Fake friends and falsehoods I can do without during my struggles ... I have enough disasters in my own life without others causing it IN MY LIFE for me ...

Jenna~

Thoughts of Regret

Yet another day of a sleepless night. I often stay awake at night when the earth is calm and no one is around. I feel at home in this isolation ... odd i know ... but more often than not there are many just like me. We sit behind our computers , reaching out to those we call friends online. You ask yourself are they truely my friends .. Do they even really care... some do .. some don't , it is all a gamble but one i have been glad to bet on.

Do you think a person can ever really be forgiven ? Do you think you could ever forgive yourself ? Thinking of all my mistakes of the past and present and i wonder ... who truely needs to be forgiven ... I think i need to forgive myself , but for what ... things i can not change ... for all the people i have hurt in my lifetime from innocent enough mistakes or over sights ? Do i honestly sabotage myself and cause my self more harm ... for what purpose ?

So many questions and no answers ... sitting in the dark waiting for a gentle voice to tell me it will be ok .. everything will be ok ..........but it never is ... and that voice is never heard. All leads up to resolve. Do you have things you regret and wished had happened differently ? Do you ever wish that just for one more moment in time .. even if it were for 5 minutes ... You could change it ... profess what needed to be said , get the closure you so desperately desired ....needed....

Sometimes ... Life has other things in mind .. and you never get that chance .. you are left behind to face demons you wish you never had to face ... you reach for closure only to find more pain .... You plead for death only to find a non existent life. Empty .... tired .... lonely. You become numb .. a different person than who you once were , a stranger in your own skin ... you cry .. and never know why. Insanity and chaos take over.

My struggles have only begun ... I ask now .. Do I have the strength to go on ? Of course i do .. but at what price will I have to pay in the end .........


Jenna~

Calming Nights

I sit here tonight ... listening to Mozart's - Moonlight Sonata... So relaxing .. so full of emotion ... it's calming. I have spent most the day in bed resting .. refreshing from the thoughts of this morning.. regaining that little sanity i call home most days.

Music is good for the soul i think. Expresses so many things without having to say a word. Many people use music to show their feelings ... either willingly or unwillingly music has always been a tail tail of ones mood and or emotion they may be in or feeling at the time.

Is it our own inability that makes it hard to relate to others through spoken word ... or crutch that has been handed down to us over time ... openness becomes closed off, hidden, and feared to even express how we feel .. what we are thinking ... or even show connection toward those around us?

We have moved into a digital age where everything is ruled by technology ... will we ever regain our humanity without the help from media files and machines ? One may never know ... and can only be helped through one person at a time ... or maybe this is our price for evolving and growing more intelligent ( or rather ignorant in some cases ).

All I can say personally for my self right now in present time .. Music calms me , sets a rythm to my life and helps me along the hard paths set before me ... i suppose the same is true for many. We live in the age of life in the express lane ... something needs to slow us down or we shall be lost in the confusion never to come back to the places we once left.

Jenna~

Waking Thoughts and distant memories..

As I awoke this morning... Yet again more feelings of loss , desperation , and despair. I often wonder what has happened to me to feel this empty inside. Could it be from losing the only man I ever really loved , could it be from some dark hidden secret from my past that plagues my memory with no memory at all ? Or maybe ... I am just that lonely anymore that i shut off from everyone and everything i know or have known.

I am actually getting very good at hiding how i truely feel ... but is this actually hurting me in the long run ? Shutting down to where i am nothing at all anymore... being one of the many few who have become invisible to all those around them?

Even though i feel depressed most days .. I am strong .. I do fight to live and get through these feelings with strive but i do feel myself dying more inside each day that passes with no end in sight. I fear myself ... I have never really liked myself ... and yet all those around me .. love me ... why ? I see nothing here but an empty shell that merely exists in a moment in time before time its self is over and i am no longer to be here ....

Maddening as this all seems ... the confusion , the lose , the pain , and the never ending questions ... I feel i must go through this for a purpose .. whatever that purpose may be ... has yet to show its self .. till then ... I will push through in hopes that some day .... I will be whole again...

Jenna~

Introduction

This will be a short intro into what my blog is about. Seeing how i am not a big blog buff this is and will be new to me. But....Seems to be easier and healthy for me to do online. Journals don't really work anymore due to I have no time to really sit down and write my thoughts , feelings or what emotions I may be feeling .. Life is hetic and growing faster day by day. Some of you will see this as another ohhhh let's not have a pitty party person ... In reality ... I am only making this for myself... If others enjoy it then I am glad that there are compassionate people still left in this world .. If others do not like it ... Then i am but a click away from your sight >.> Use it rather than wasting my time and yours on saying hateful things. :)

I am merely saying what i feel needs to be said in times of need .... Expression is a great thing no matter what form it comes in.

Jenna~