You know through all my crap i deal with ... I can never forget those who help me through the rough times. In reality most of my friends are assholes who only care about themselves ... could be why i have such a crappy out look on friendship ... That's all i have known. My time online has been spent with various varities of people ranging from the bazar to the brilliant. Not all are so bad.
For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.
Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>
Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(
Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...
As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!
Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....
I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....
May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...
Jenna~
For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.
Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>
Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(
Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...
As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!
Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....
I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....
May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...
Jenna~
Again, you have such a knack for describing exactly how I feel. I don't know what personal issues you deal with on a daily basis. Its so hard to get you to open up sometimes. There is much we don't know about each other, but what I do know is that we could do so much together and for each other.
ReplyDeleteI see it over and over how many times we think and act alike. They say that opposites attract. Maybe so but aren't we also attracted to people like us? People who are intelligent, or beautiful, or interested in the things we are?
You are a woman after my own heart. I have been after yours for a long time now. I'm sorry I lost it when I had it. I'd love nothing more than to get it back and you know that. You are beuaitful inside and out. Even id I can never have you, I will always be here for you as I hope you are for me as you have been.
I could put up with your "manic moods" any day if you think you can handle mine (hehehe). Like is a roller coaster. It has its up, downs, twists, and turns. Why don't we take the ride together and when we get off, we can go again screaming our heads off with our hands in the air the whole way? I will be fun I promise. :D
Just dont' give up. When I wanted to let go and quit, you wouldn't let me. Im not going to let you turn around and quit either. Im going to push you the way you pushed me. I just hope I don't push you away. Thats one thing you can't do to me. They might take me away, but I'll come back again and again. You can too. I know it. You can do it all night long !
I cherish your friendship very much. Out time together has give me something to look forward to every day. I hope I can do the same for you . My only alterior motive for what I do is keeping you in my life and me in yours no matter what.