And there is no one.......

Yesterday was .........I don't know what to do anymore....One of the most painful things I have ever had to do.... is... walk away from the man I am in love with........

We will never touch again.... we will never kiss...... we will never be in each others arms again....I won't be welcoming him home, I will not get that excited feeling as I see him drive up anymore ... I have lost everything...........And now......... a shattered heart .........I don't want to feel anymore...

If anything I have gotten out of this last relationship is...........to give up! Done trying.....no strength left, no trust left, no security left, no happiness left, no family left, no home.........my heart hurts so much, physically I am being effected by this pain........No longer want anyone .... no longer going to try ... going to just stop!

I have spent most the night trying to breath right , my chest is hurting so bad I fear I might have to go see doc.....my nerves are shot and now not only do I feel completely alone.... I am :(

I constantly look at my life and wonder what terrible wrong did I do to be going through this..........Why me ? whats wrong with me??????? what have I done to be so isolated... mistreated, abused, discarded, left! Why doesn't anyone love me ?.............

why........

so I am stopping... I give up ... I give in .......

I'm Sorry :((

Bad Moments Even Worse Days

There are days that everything just seems to fall apart. In those days it starts out bad and just keeps getting worse through out. What are you to do when those days happen ? I have no clue. The only thing I can lean on is, take it one moment at a time. When you wake up and right off bad begins....let it. Let that moment happen, take in a deep breath, then try to let it go. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. I can no longer do what everyone wants me to do just because it would make them feel better...What happens to me , how I feel, what I want ? I don't think many really think about that when expecting things from me. I can't make everyone happy all the time or even some of the time. This year has been spent trying to better me, and finding it difficult and heartbreaking at times yet I refuse to let anyone knock me down...I can't.

Whispers, Silent, Acknowledgements

There are times in life you have to begin to acknowledge a few things to yourself. Think back to those "Why did I say that?" or "I could have really handled that differently" or even "I am clearly stating this view point, why aren't they understanding what I am relating?" moments and realize how to correct the course for future conversations. I have noticed though...some are incapable of doing so, or just flat out refuse to and are keeping score. I do not agree with score cards or how some blindly walk through life denying half the things in which their own actions caused, which lead to very destructive outcomes. People make life far more complicated than it needs to be by merely denying their fault in situations and regret later down the road of life.

Accountability!! It starts with holding your self accountable to your own actions, first and foremost!

Life, Liberty and Disposable Government!!

| :: Note :: | -- Some of you whom are familiar with my political views, and connected conspiracy theories more specifically, "Illuminati" will notice no mention in this post. This post is strictly contained of opinion and political view. 

• IMPORTANT NOTATION: Below is a rant based solely on my own personal thoughts & opinions, and occasional rantings! 

• Not intended to influence or sway others in any form. 
• Exercising my First Amendment right. Free to express my personal thoughts, feelings, views, or opinions!
• Finally -- You take issue with my post, or view point... By all means ... exercise your right to exit my page & disregard! --  Does not include those who engage in intellectual debate or discussion, whether agree or disagree with included view points and is respectful in stating their cases.

I have been for the most part annoyed throughout this entire political race. Before I give my valued two cents (reserved for bills but found this important enough to spare... ) I am not for either candidate personally. That being said -- Browsing through various articles dealing with Romney's colossal, damaging blunders, I noticed similar comments being made by clearly the blind, deaf, & dumb of our gov finest conformist who are eager to kiss ass to feel as if their opinion matter to the vast failure in our decaying electoral process today.

• Below is response from observations of various article commenting sections which will probably come back and include referencing links when I get time. Yes I read for a good amount of time seeing the views of both sides being represented. Some highly informative intelligently stated, down to the most ignorant and clearly uneducated and should have remained silent or at the very least looked up the subject, educate themselves, pretty much have a basic understanding of what they were commenting on. This is on both sides.

  I can not believe..you "Pro Romney Supporters" are actually using Obamas,  at various times , covering a four year span and at different addresses or functions...mispronunciation of "words" - NOTE "words" ...and use this in defense of Romneys (using his words) "misunderstood statements, comments - views - and may not have been stated clearly" ....as being REMOTELY in the same ball park! ...I am sorry you lack the ability to grasp how truly sad and rather misdirected that is. Lets define the word comparison before going further.

:: Comparison :: --

1. the act or process of comparing

2. the state of being compared

3. comparable quality or qualities; likenesses.

Incorrectly stated words has no comparison when it comes to someones unscripted personal views, which sorry Mitt, there is no misunderstanding what WAS "clearly" stated on how you actually view issues and just where you truly stand. He didn't just do this once....but.....on two other occasions, stated his own views/opinion, offending two allied countries. Americans witnessed Romneys ability to quickly back track, and down play a very arrogant mindset to mere "misspoken" statement with for him had no value and should be over looked. Many Americans didn't buy it nor did our friendly and in my view, very forgiving allies.

Throwing a good faith gesture....When Romney had his first "publicised mishap" for those who might be a tid bit anal, "misspoke" incident on a international stage... ok shit happens, excitement around the event, nerves on alert, all the hustle and bustle, granted could have been honest mistake .... could happen to any of us. Most if not all did take it as such. However were aware and concerned.

Back to reality --  since said above incident the American people just keep seeing nothing but Romney and at times running mate, Ryan publicly embarrass not only themselves, their supporters, but their own party and in many aspects reveal true agenda and inner feelings on the issues at hand. This is not a witch hunt, or bad reporting, or even the opposition ... but themselves!

Added note: observed but not inclusive to Republician values -- few wide spread "supporters" shared either insensitive, narrow minded, and or rather egotistical, borderline to at times shallow and racist comments which in NO WAY reflects the over all view point or true feelings the Americans have concerning our allies and other friendly cultures and countries in which we share a peaceful and mutual admiration for. If you are open to educating yourself... sometimes you learn exactly why there is such a low and disguested view of Americans. Truly sad that many years has come and gone , yet we have not evolved much at all!

Oh Humble Spirit

This morning I have had a truly opening experience..or rather, humbling of my own creation ( not a good one or proud moment). As with most things in my life I pride myself of my ability for honesty, no matter what light it sheds on me, good or bad. Per happen chance, sometimes situations unfold unintentionally, which whether you notice it at the time or not, develop, cause and effect. Actions you choose to take can have a profound effect on not only others but yourself as well. When you look back and realize what you have done, I feel it is only right you should be honest first and foremost about what really transpired, then make it right to those affected. It becomes your responsibility to be honest and hold in high regard that virtue and all it stands for, thus creating an admirable characteristic that people will and do notice.

Being able to bare it all is not only healthy, the right thing to do, but a very humbling moment for your own well being. In general I have always tried to remain true to how I feel or think about a great many things, but like most have had moments in which I am not proud of , have had to admit my wrong doing and rectify whatever it was that I had done or said wrong, which like stated above, unintentionally as it were, still caused harmful or damaging results.

I really do not know why as human beings we act in such ways that in reality, make things much more complex, complicated, and rather the opposite of what we were truly trying to accomplish to begin with. Most times, people either never notice, or do notice and choose to continue with life as usual and ignore the problem, hoping it goes away. Very counter productive if you ask me, but... we do it. Guilty of this myself at times, however when reflecting back and notice, I act to correct it.

Massive Mistakes

This post will be rather different than the previous one. I never claimed healing would be easy or without its recourse. This week unfortunately I had a set back. Your mind is something of which has to be reprogrammed and sometimes old habits creep in and cause you severe pain. In my years living with depression , sorry to say, it has messed me up badly, enough I do not know who I am anymore. It's trail and error everyday and you will have the occasional slip ups. I did. One of which almost cost me my life. Depression is a monster...a beast that dwells within you , that loves your torment, often making you second guess and question yourself. When this happens there is no turning back... it's to late , damage is done. After it is all over you are left with once again hating yourself and wondering why you do , what you do. You can not let that defeat you. You must pick up and try to find something positive to latch onto or you will never survive the constant revolving of the dangerous and damaging pattern that has become your life.

In my mistake this week...it has been a long 3 days to over come. Most of the time I was just begging God to take me. I didn't want to live... the pain I was feeling is always to much to bare. Still is. I am losing control each time I am dealt with this......I honestly don't know what is keeping me going...The worse feeling in the world is that of losing control and not knowing how or why. I am certain though, God, does have a plan for me , otherwise I would not be here.

Wonder what it is.......

Just another painful path I must follow... wonder what the future holds.

Misdirects Post Illusions.

It's been awhile since last posting on here. Coming back around to the idea of flushing out all the thoughts, memories, and secret moments that of which bounce around in this head of mine. Looking back I can clearly see my transforming and spiritual evolution. I will say this...This past year has been a truck load of experience, failures, loses, break-throughs, and awakenings I have ever had to deal with or overcome.

I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.

Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.

My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.