Misdirects Post Illusions.

It's been awhile since last posting on here. Coming back around to the idea of flushing out all the thoughts, memories, and secret moments that of which bounce around in this head of mine. Looking back I can clearly see my transforming and spiritual evolution. I will say this...This past year has been a truck load of experience, failures, loses, break-throughs, and awakenings I have ever had to deal with or overcome.

I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.

Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.

My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.



I had already gotten a therapist for my son. Counseling for his confusion from his fathers and I's divorce. So I began to consult her about some issues and emotions I felt at the time that were contributing to his reactions to certain things. Believe it or not, there were. Not only was I voicing things with her but took it upon myself to look further within and research things which I would question. I honestly don't know why most people do not utilize the internet more often in ways that could vastly inform them, guide them, and sometimes entertain them to anything they could ever possibly want to know. I have become very accustomed to "Google Search" and infinite hours of educating myself on a multitude of thoughts , feelings, ideas, questions, concerns, and just flat out curiosity. I believe I have learned more online in one year than I ever did attending school growing up.

Not only was I growing in knowledge during that time but becoming more spiritual with my beliefs. I have always believed in "God" and have always known deep within that I am Christian. Most of my life I did not attend church, nor was I counseled in any religious form. My mother did talk to me some growing up about God and religion, and choosing right from wrong but she raised my brother and I to come into our own faith of what to believe. With no real knowledge of Christ or our heavenly father, God, I always believed, always had faith, and throughout the years had my own private walk with him. This may seem scattered, jumping from depression to religion, it is not. Only till you open yourself to learning, and truly wanting to heal nothing will change.

If you are a non - believer then suggest you read no more. This blog will offer you nothing much other than true expression, and advice on a personal journey to heal what is broken. Remember , this is merely one step to confronting possible issues. When you experience depression its often times hard to explain to others around you why or even how you feel the way you feel. To the average person who has never experienced depression or the depths in which it plummets you into dark inner and torturous places, will never understand. This is why it is so important that you for lack of better words, rediscover who you are, and who you were meant to be. You have to be able to be honest with yourself before any healing can take place. This means....taking the inner struggle of constant and relentless questioning of..."why, how, when" all of the negative thoughts, reasonings, flaws, problems, everything that combines to inslave you to remain in depression has to be thrown into the open and systematically answered or dealt with according to what it is.

You are going to begin rebuilding yourself , stripping away everything that has made you vulnerable, miserable, and ran over during your life. From the very moment you are born you begin to learn what life is all about. Each pivotal moment that directs you to make a choice and from those choices setting you on a path that is NOT set in stone, however it may feel that way today. "If only I could go back and do it differently" is a common feeling and or thought that most if not all have said before. Now here comes the spirituality of this defining moment which most will never see or really try to see.....Faith. Faith for myself, means something personally just for me, and is up to you to find what it means to you. The choices you made in the past gave you something in which I think you should reflect on and see the broader picture. Would you really have done it differently? Life is a test. Test of strength, ability, willingness, growth, and finally knowledge. For each choice you made in the past however miserable or disruptive it may have been or caused in your life, it has taught you something important. Those choices, in actuality....a gift.

Shed that negative thought process and develop the ability to see things in a positive retrospect. Ask yourself , "What was the lesson, what did that teach me, how is that relevant to my present?" Modify your impression.

Many times throughout my life that discussion has been brought up by various people at various times and from long ago my answer has always been...."I wouldn't have changed a thing!" The reason....appreciation! Appreciation for the knowledge I learned, the experience I had, the people I met, and the wisdom that followed in my later years. Depression robs you of a great many things one of which is appreciation. Don't be afraid to push back those feelings of despair and take note of what you have. Appreciation can be of the smallest of things. Learn what it is to appreciate people, things, situations, feelings, views, opinions, life and all it offers to those who are willing to experience and learn from it. Most of all... learn to appreciate the person you are, flaws and all. To recap.... Have faith you can heal, face those things which keep you in an emotional prison, reflect on choices made through life and connect with how it molded you, and answer those really hard and damaging questions that plague you. Much like how a person over comes fears... identify the issues, face them one at a time, analyzing the cause and effect from each and adapting the ability to overcome the issues in order to live without regret. Adapting means merely learning how to resolve and effectively cope in a more freeing way to deal with future problems.

This is longer than I had even remotely thought it would be. I have typed for over an hour just letting thoughts flow! This is also something very therapeutic...write or in my case type out your thoughts whether it be in blog form or journal. Sometimes just getting those thoughts out of your head can be a very big help and relief to unload the pressures of the day.

Think for now I will leave you with this and express more on my process and how I have been dealing with my depression and my quest to take control of my life and heal along the way on another blog, possibly later today or this week. Keep eye out and plz do, pass this along to anyone you feel may benefit from the content or enjoy the read.

Thanks
Jenna