This post will be rather different than the previous one. I never claimed healing would be easy or without its recourse. This week unfortunately I had a set back. Your mind is something of which has to be reprogrammed and sometimes old habits creep in and cause you severe pain. In my years living with depression , sorry to say, it has messed me up badly, enough I do not know who I am anymore. It's trail and error everyday and you will have the occasional slip ups. I did. One of which almost cost me my life. Depression is a monster...a beast that dwells within you , that loves your torment, often making you second guess and question yourself. When this happens there is no turning back... it's to late , damage is done. After it is all over you are left with once again hating yourself and wondering why you do , what you do. You can not let that defeat you. You must pick up and try to find something positive to latch onto or you will never survive the constant revolving of the dangerous and damaging pattern that has become your life.
In my mistake this week...it has been a long 3 days to over come. Most of the time I was just begging God to take me. I didn't want to live... the pain I was feeling is always to much to bare. Still is. I am losing control each time I am dealt with this......I honestly don't know what is keeping me going...The worse feeling in the world is that of losing control and not knowing how or why. I am certain though, God, does have a plan for me , otherwise I would not be here.
Wonder what it is.......
Just another painful path I must follow... wonder what the future holds.
Depression is something I deal with on a daily basis and most days, the fight takes all the energy I can spare. I know all about wondering how or why I keep going. I don't have a clue. It makes me feel like the walking dead. I feel as though my life is over but for some, unknown reason, I keep going anyway. I've given up on just about everything I can think of. I've even given up on giving up (if that makes any sense).
ReplyDeleteI pray for you. I pray for answers. I never seem to get any answers at all, or maybe I have and I've just been too depressed and self absorbed to notice.
I try so hard to think of others and not be so self absorbed. Sad thing is that in trying to be kind to others, I find that people just want to use you and that just sets me back to wanting to keep to myself and just stay away from people in general.
Just so you know, I'm here if you need someone to talk to. As much as I've always wanted to believe it, I can't promise that I'll always be here for you. I just don't know how long I'll have the strength to keep up the fight. Some days you win. Some days you lose. Just existing isn't exactly what I call winning anymore. Maybe one day I'll find someone I can trust to be there for me and make the fight just a little bit easier.
HKLN
It;'s not being self absorbed when trying to deal with your own issues. I feel people need to think more about their own feelings more to make the right decisions. I have learned from a life time of thinking of others has left me drained and very unhealthy when it comes to how I feel about most things or ever really getting my voice heard. I have come to realize ... "What about me?" does play an important role in having a healthy attitude and mind set.
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