Notation:: This note is for those whom have known me for quite some time. You may find this informational but an extreme insight into my world, my life, my inner most being. As you all may discover... I have never been this candid nor open about my personal life and or struggles. So be forwarned...Also do not feel pitty, or sad for me or what I have gone through or will. I welcome it and its a good step for me. So be happy and learn.
This is my journey...
It has been a very long, distressing, humbling road for me in this chapter of my life. My Journey. Even though I have been tested past my limits a few times , God always was there to tell me to buck up....find it within myself to gain the strength to learn what he has to show me, push past the pain, embrace the unknown, and absorb knowledge. Open my eyes and really see the truth.
I have spent a life time destroying my own life. Creating my own personal hell. Falling into the waste land of despair that all but devours you whole. If a person is not paying attention , they can be lost to all...even to them selves.
If you have taken a portion of this journey with me in this blog... then you know it is truly a day by day basis. You will have ups and downs...You will have challenges that arise and act as a huge ass monkey wrench that not only threw a kink into your engine but has actually torn / ripped a hole through your entire motor and dropped it out right beneath your very own feet.
I, like most others who are enduring the struggles like me....You would swear we gone Bipolar or just flat out crazy...but I assure you... there is reason in the madness.
Today has been a particularly good day for me...albeit my mind is racing with enormously crowding thoughts and ideas however... a good day none the less.
I had on my mind to get a lot done today around the house but got rather caught up online and well.... lol I have yet to leave this spot, bathroom breaks aside, and wasted the entire day going through many of my pointless pages I had online and taking down pictures, deleting accounts , organizing my net life as it were.
2012 was a horrible year for me. I in my lifetime got to feel what it feels like to me, a truly broken heart, and it was not just once... I subjected myself to this emotional and physical pain over and over again. I had been hurt before in my life but never knew exactly what it meant to be really broken. You not only emotionally break down which alone is bad enough but you physically feel the pain you are experiencing. Your mind overloads, your breathing deepens, then becomes so rapid you can barely breath. Your chest begins to ache...you think..."Oh God!!! Am I having a heart attack??" but no..... its the actual physical feeling of having your heart broken in two.
In movies or in life, some women who would talk about it , I merely just thought they were overly dramatic....until...until I felt it.
The human body and mind are a beautiful and mysterious thing.... The endurance and mere strength we all have to endure most any if not all things.
Sorry side tracked with ramblings however valid they are....
I believe humanity needs to stop and take in what is truly happening, and remember to appreciate what we were given. I don't think I ever really thought about it much growing up but now.....Well now....I embrace my life and value each and every moment in my life. God has given me so many great gifts and I feel so undeserving.
We all are spoiled kids who are running around acting the fools and pissing away what should have been a blessed and untainted gift.
In the past oh I would say three yrs, I have come to reflect more and more and work on my inner issues which for the most part is a good thing. I will honestly say I was one FUCKED UP chick! Seriously! I knew I had to change. I knew my depression and anxiety had over road me completely to where it was making me miserable, a empty shell, no purpose. I mean come on ... anyone can tell you... that's just NOT ME! The only way a person can heal is if they act! And so .... I did.
My entire personality is someone who is cheerful, helpful, loving, caring, compassionate, enduring, strong willed, and yes sometimes even hard headed. Point being... I had a lot to share with the world but from circumstance and my own damaging choices lead up to a perfect storm that ended in total enclosure, isolation, and despair. I never left the house unless I had to...to pay bills of course. I stopped talking as much until one day and really don't know when exactly it happened, I shut my self off to friends, family and society.
I no longer had hope and pretty much gave up on life... seemed only right... life gave up on me.... right ? Oh how wrong I was. When you sink to that level of depression the person who is the worst on you is yourself. Self loathing creeps in...lack of energy, and care becomes common place. You go day by day watching each meld into the next and before you know it life is going on without you ...might as well be a blur in the back drop.
As with any pivotal moment in life, there comes a point in which you are faced with a decision. Should you just give up or live again? Do you just want to die or fight for what you know is inside you? Well for the most part I decided to charge forward and declare war over my life and take back what should have been all along.
My divorce from my ex, it's self took ALOT out of me. Stress had gotten so bad it indeed took a toll on my body well really my body rebelled....big time. I am a true testament to just how much and how bad stress, emotional distress, and depression can destroy your health. Due to years of depression, stress, and under utilizing my own body the past couple of years I have spent doing nothing but time in the hospital, home in bed, or just flat out left without energy to even motivate most days. I see a doctor regularly, had been seeing a therapist for over two yrs, now on a mountain of meds, lord knows what all that is doing to my body...
Don't get me wrong... I am sure I am making everything sound so bleak...however it is not. It has never been easy to face my issues, especially facing more than one at a time....but I know I have the strength to persevere. If anything I have come to learn about myself.... God has shown me, tested me, and prepared me to handle the obstacles ahead, and the turmoil and hardships I will have to over come. I know this, because the worst is behind me and he has never left my side... even when I became weak and was begging to die. He lifted me up helped me take a breath and shove forward. So you see there is struggle within the healing... however its worth it.
I don't regret anything in my life no matter what I had to go through. I have had the pleasure of growing as a human being, as a woman, and the person I strive to be. When you are younger you never appreciate what life really means, until growing older, and a bit more wiser... if you learn from the lessons that are set right before you. It's as if life must beat you down for you to build yourself back up with the wisdom that lights your way into the future and just maybe with what you learn , you can help yourself as well as others. I do.
As to making the choice to make change, that wasn't really so hard. I was to the point in my life, I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready to face my demons, make the changes and reclaim my life.
Now what you plan is not always how it goes. Not all issues are easy to face or get over. It has taken me the majority of the two yrs to embrace the fact of letting go. I had to let go of the fears that held me prisoner for the better part of my adult life. I had to learn all over again that it was ok to not have control over everything in my life. To not stress over things that in the grander scheme of things really didn't matter at all and that if only I breath in ... take in life... breath out and just relax things would go smoother and just seem to fit without effort.
I notice I make it sound so easy ...it is not. Most of the time I feel I am going insane... and other times .... life couldn't be any better. Sometimes in life, in order to achieve the happiness you want, it requires a bit of work and maybe at times, hard work at that. We did not come into this life with entitlement to fulfillment. We are born new with a life time to learn and use what we learn, to pass on the wisdom we hold to others along the way.
More to come in Part II (2).
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