Deep Thought & Reflection. Inner Demons Revealed!!

 Notation:: This note is for those whom have known me for quite some time. You may find this informational but an extreme insight into my world, my life, my inner most being. As you all may discover... I have never been this candid nor open about my personal life and or struggles. So be forwarned...Also do not feel pitty, or sad for me or what I have gone through or will. I welcome it and its a good step for me. So be happy and learn.

 This is my journey...


It has been a very long, distressing, humbling road for me in this chapter of my life. My Journey. Even though I have been tested past my limits a few times , God always was there to tell me to buck up....find it within myself to gain the strength to learn what he has to show me, push past the pain, embrace the unknown, and absorb knowledge. Open my eyes and really see the truth.

I have spent a life time destroying my own life. Creating my own personal hell. Falling into the waste land of despair that all but devours you whole. If a person is not paying attention , they can be lost to all...even to them selves.

If you have taken a portion of this journey with me in this blog... then you know it is truly a day by day basis. You will have ups and downs...You will have challenges that arise and act as a huge ass monkey wrench that not only threw a kink into your engine but has actually torn / ripped a hole through your entire motor and dropped it out right beneath your very own feet.

New Year On The Way to a New Me!!

 It is now Feb 2013! The beginning of this new year has yielded a surprising turn and welcomed new start. After a year of therapy, medication prescribed by doctor and some well needed life changes , things have changed for the better for myself and my depression. Among one of the most important changes I have made is...embracing the lack of control we really have over our life. We go through life believing we have control over what is happening or what we choose in our life, however it is very limited and what we perceive as control is not. Embracing the lack of that control is rather freeing. I have learned that I do not need to stress over that which I do not truly control. There are many lessons to be learned over that frame of mind.

This year has brought better attitudes to those around me (well most of those around me) who have stopped pushing my buttons and overloading my mind with extreme stress and drama that I am no longer able to handle....making life smoother and so much easier for me to handle. There is still a lot to cover, change, and somehow bring about a better way to communicate, but optimistic toward the future.

In all of that said above , I have also made a stand and brought back my voice. No longer blindly doing what others want me to do , or taking in things that only destroy me I have once again brought out my , what I like to call and have told others, "my inner bitch!", which intimidates some but what do I care? as long as I am doing for myself instead of for others....makes one so much more happier.

I have so much work to do on my anxiety still. Due to situations that occurred during December I had a HUGE set back in that department, however will not let that get in the way of my resolve. I will push past those issues to become whole again...it will just take more time. 

So remember if anything you can get out of this post... take this with you...

YOU! have to remember yourself and do for yourself and BE yourself in order to have any sort of recovery and happiness. Don't let anyone or anything type cast you to someone who you could never be and free the person inside you who only wants to live and be happy.

And there is no one.......

Yesterday was .........I don't know what to do anymore....One of the most painful things I have ever had to do.... is... walk away from the man I am in love with........

We will never touch again.... we will never kiss...... we will never be in each others arms again....I won't be welcoming him home, I will not get that excited feeling as I see him drive up anymore ... I have lost everything...........And now......... a shattered heart .........I don't want to feel anymore...

If anything I have gotten out of this last relationship is...........to give up! Done trying.....no strength left, no trust left, no security left, no happiness left, no family left, no home.........my heart hurts so much, physically I am being effected by this pain........No longer want anyone .... no longer going to try ... going to just stop!

I have spent most the night trying to breath right , my chest is hurting so bad I fear I might have to go see doc.....my nerves are shot and now not only do I feel completely alone.... I am :(

I constantly look at my life and wonder what terrible wrong did I do to be going through this..........Why me ? whats wrong with me??????? what have I done to be so isolated... mistreated, abused, discarded, left! Why doesn't anyone love me ?.............

why........

so I am stopping... I give up ... I give in .......

I'm Sorry :((

Bad Moments Even Worse Days

There are days that everything just seems to fall apart. In those days it starts out bad and just keeps getting worse through out. What are you to do when those days happen ? I have no clue. The only thing I can lean on is, take it one moment at a time. When you wake up and right off bad begins....let it. Let that moment happen, take in a deep breath, then try to let it go. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. I can no longer do what everyone wants me to do just because it would make them feel better...What happens to me , how I feel, what I want ? I don't think many really think about that when expecting things from me. I can't make everyone happy all the time or even some of the time. This year has been spent trying to better me, and finding it difficult and heartbreaking at times yet I refuse to let anyone knock me down...I can't.

Whispers, Silent, Acknowledgements

There are times in life you have to begin to acknowledge a few things to yourself. Think back to those "Why did I say that?" or "I could have really handled that differently" or even "I am clearly stating this view point, why aren't they understanding what I am relating?" moments and realize how to correct the course for future conversations. I have noticed though...some are incapable of doing so, or just flat out refuse to and are keeping score. I do not agree with score cards or how some blindly walk through life denying half the things in which their own actions caused, which lead to very destructive outcomes. People make life far more complicated than it needs to be by merely denying their fault in situations and regret later down the road of life.

Accountability!! It starts with holding your self accountable to your own actions, first and foremost!

Life, Liberty and Disposable Government!!

| :: Note :: | -- Some of you whom are familiar with my political views, and connected conspiracy theories more specifically, "Illuminati" will notice no mention in this post. This post is strictly contained of opinion and political view. 

• IMPORTANT NOTATION: Below is a rant based solely on my own personal thoughts & opinions, and occasional rantings! 

• Not intended to influence or sway others in any form. 
• Exercising my First Amendment right. Free to express my personal thoughts, feelings, views, or opinions!
• Finally -- You take issue with my post, or view point... By all means ... exercise your right to exit my page & disregard! --  Does not include those who engage in intellectual debate or discussion, whether agree or disagree with included view points and is respectful in stating their cases.

I have been for the most part annoyed throughout this entire political race. Before I give my valued two cents (reserved for bills but found this important enough to spare... ) I am not for either candidate personally. That being said -- Browsing through various articles dealing with Romney's colossal, damaging blunders, I noticed similar comments being made by clearly the blind, deaf, & dumb of our gov finest conformist who are eager to kiss ass to feel as if their opinion matter to the vast failure in our decaying electoral process today.

• Below is response from observations of various article commenting sections which will probably come back and include referencing links when I get time. Yes I read for a good amount of time seeing the views of both sides being represented. Some highly informative intelligently stated, down to the most ignorant and clearly uneducated and should have remained silent or at the very least looked up the subject, educate themselves, pretty much have a basic understanding of what they were commenting on. This is on both sides.

  I can not believe..you "Pro Romney Supporters" are actually using Obamas,  at various times , covering a four year span and at different addresses or functions...mispronunciation of "words" - NOTE "words" ...and use this in defense of Romneys (using his words) "misunderstood statements, comments - views - and may not have been stated clearly" ....as being REMOTELY in the same ball park! ...I am sorry you lack the ability to grasp how truly sad and rather misdirected that is. Lets define the word comparison before going further.

:: Comparison :: --

1. the act or process of comparing

2. the state of being compared

3. comparable quality or qualities; likenesses.

Incorrectly stated words has no comparison when it comes to someones unscripted personal views, which sorry Mitt, there is no misunderstanding what WAS "clearly" stated on how you actually view issues and just where you truly stand. He didn't just do this once....but.....on two other occasions, stated his own views/opinion, offending two allied countries. Americans witnessed Romneys ability to quickly back track, and down play a very arrogant mindset to mere "misspoken" statement with for him had no value and should be over looked. Many Americans didn't buy it nor did our friendly and in my view, very forgiving allies.

Throwing a good faith gesture....When Romney had his first "publicised mishap" for those who might be a tid bit anal, "misspoke" incident on a international stage... ok shit happens, excitement around the event, nerves on alert, all the hustle and bustle, granted could have been honest mistake .... could happen to any of us. Most if not all did take it as such. However were aware and concerned.

Back to reality --  since said above incident the American people just keep seeing nothing but Romney and at times running mate, Ryan publicly embarrass not only themselves, their supporters, but their own party and in many aspects reveal true agenda and inner feelings on the issues at hand. This is not a witch hunt, or bad reporting, or even the opposition ... but themselves!

Added note: observed but not inclusive to Republician values -- few wide spread "supporters" shared either insensitive, narrow minded, and or rather egotistical, borderline to at times shallow and racist comments which in NO WAY reflects the over all view point or true feelings the Americans have concerning our allies and other friendly cultures and countries in which we share a peaceful and mutual admiration for. If you are open to educating yourself... sometimes you learn exactly why there is such a low and disguested view of Americans. Truly sad that many years has come and gone , yet we have not evolved much at all!

Oh Humble Spirit

This morning I have had a truly opening experience..or rather, humbling of my own creation ( not a good one or proud moment). As with most things in my life I pride myself of my ability for honesty, no matter what light it sheds on me, good or bad. Per happen chance, sometimes situations unfold unintentionally, which whether you notice it at the time or not, develop, cause and effect. Actions you choose to take can have a profound effect on not only others but yourself as well. When you look back and realize what you have done, I feel it is only right you should be honest first and foremost about what really transpired, then make it right to those affected. It becomes your responsibility to be honest and hold in high regard that virtue and all it stands for, thus creating an admirable characteristic that people will and do notice.

Being able to bare it all is not only healthy, the right thing to do, but a very humbling moment for your own well being. In general I have always tried to remain true to how I feel or think about a great many things, but like most have had moments in which I am not proud of , have had to admit my wrong doing and rectify whatever it was that I had done or said wrong, which like stated above, unintentionally as it were, still caused harmful or damaging results.

I really do not know why as human beings we act in such ways that in reality, make things much more complex, complicated, and rather the opposite of what we were truly trying to accomplish to begin with. Most times, people either never notice, or do notice and choose to continue with life as usual and ignore the problem, hoping it goes away. Very counter productive if you ask me, but... we do it. Guilty of this myself at times, however when reflecting back and notice, I act to correct it.

Massive Mistakes

This post will be rather different than the previous one. I never claimed healing would be easy or without its recourse. This week unfortunately I had a set back. Your mind is something of which has to be reprogrammed and sometimes old habits creep in and cause you severe pain. In my years living with depression , sorry to say, it has messed me up badly, enough I do not know who I am anymore. It's trail and error everyday and you will have the occasional slip ups. I did. One of which almost cost me my life. Depression is a monster...a beast that dwells within you , that loves your torment, often making you second guess and question yourself. When this happens there is no turning back... it's to late , damage is done. After it is all over you are left with once again hating yourself and wondering why you do , what you do. You can not let that defeat you. You must pick up and try to find something positive to latch onto or you will never survive the constant revolving of the dangerous and damaging pattern that has become your life.

In my mistake this week...it has been a long 3 days to over come. Most of the time I was just begging God to take me. I didn't want to live... the pain I was feeling is always to much to bare. Still is. I am losing control each time I am dealt with this......I honestly don't know what is keeping me going...The worse feeling in the world is that of losing control and not knowing how or why. I am certain though, God, does have a plan for me , otherwise I would not be here.

Wonder what it is.......

Just another painful path I must follow... wonder what the future holds.

Misdirects Post Illusions.

It's been awhile since last posting on here. Coming back around to the idea of flushing out all the thoughts, memories, and secret moments that of which bounce around in this head of mine. Looking back I can clearly see my transforming and spiritual evolution. I will say this...This past year has been a truck load of experience, failures, loses, break-throughs, and awakenings I have ever had to deal with or overcome.

I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.

Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.

My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.

New year New life!

Well I have finally come back to update! I took a huge step in my life and finally filed for divorce. I feel this is the first step of rediscovering who I am. I was unhappy in my marriage for years , but lacked the courage to actually do anything about it.... Till now. It has been hard and a long process but each day I feel more and more like my life has a purpose , that someday I will be whole again and there is hope for my future.

Not saying this is a cure by any means , just that it is one of many steps I needed to take not only for myself but for my son as well. It was becoming very unhealthy for him to always see me in some much pain. For him to have to comfort me when my days were bad and felt alone. It is not his job to make me feel better but mine to look out for him. And so now ... I am.

I feel that make life will all come about when time is right but for now , even the smallest of steps are the rights ones to make.

Also getting back into designing , and getting out in the world again. Not always so fun to be stuck at home .. you feel like the world is passing you by and you become invisible to all those around. Now that I am taking positive steps ... I am looking for a positive future!

Good days and the bad

Do you have days that are good and then comes the bad? When things are good you can laugh about anything , but when they are bad ..... you wish you were never even born , life just seems to punch you right where it hurts and you feel not wanted , needed or even seen for who you are. Today is one of those days .... no matter what i do , think say or feel ..... i am never going to be what everyone wants me to be .... I am not perfect .... i am not made of stone ....

I have emotions , i have thoughts and feelings that no one really wants to hear ... because if they hear them ... then i become human ... not important enough to be seen....

I try so hard to make everyone else happy ..... alll i really do is get hurt , and hurt back ...... somedays i just feel invisible to those who love me .... never knowing why but in the end .... just another day of feeling worthless .

My life with depression

My life with pain of not knowing why

My life with ........

Just my life.

Daily Dilema's

Well here I sit again. Nothing much to report this time , other than stress is getting the better part of me and I have once again went the route of doing what always feels comfortable to me. Hide from my problems , shut down , and walk away. I really must find another way of dealing with my stresses and depression. Some days seem better than others , but again ... I only open myself up for hurt , pain , anger , let down , and various other emotions that eventually lead to me crashing. Patterns are getting rather out of hand , but at least I am able to now see them where as before I was not. I see this as a good sign. A step toward helping myself understand what goes on in this head of mine.

Been Awhile

Ok well it's been awhile sense my last blog. Nothing much really going on in my life .. things have been hetic, and rather stressful. Not sleeping well , and yet again sick again. Not all is lost though.. Been making head way on website , and getting some really good creative ideas lately on new designs. Business is slowing down some and giving me a much needed break.

Right now i am just in a retro thinking mode ... thinking of everything and yet nothing all at the same time ... i feel like i am accomplishing nothing really , spinning wheels to another slow burn.

I am sure one day my head will be right and all things in life will be zen like again , but for the moment , i am slowing down and enjoying the moments in time i am in ... sleep will come , and calm will settle my oh so scattered mind.

Just Thoughts

You know through all my crap i deal with ... I can never forget those who help me through the rough times. In reality most of my friends are assholes who only care about themselves ... could be why i have such a crappy out look on friendship ... That's all i have known. My time online has been spent with various varities of people ranging from the bazar to the brilliant. Not all are so bad.

For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.

Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>

Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(

Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...

As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...


WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!

Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....

I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....

May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...

Jenna~

Just another day ..

Well today is my birthday... and i feel no different than the day before. Illusions are still all the same and for one moment i thought.... maybe .. just maybe...... this day will be different .. that for some reason I will have some sort of day without worry , pain , loneliness ... But again... Today is no different than any other day. Life is moving on ... no birthday cake to blow out the candles , no one to give me a hug and say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" no friends to throw that all so annoying surprise party where everyone gets so drunk that everyone is laughing at each other by the end of the night.

As we grow older , we come to realize that your birthday is just another day ... carries no real importance other than you are once again one more year older and closer to death. When you are a child ... and your parents throw you that birthday party , all your friends and family are over you sing , you laugh , you eat cake and ice cream ... You feel you are the only person in the world and that special feeling makes you feel loved....Special...

You get older .... the parties begin to fade ... your family is busy working .. and your friends have went on to live their own lives .... doesn't make you feel that special anymore ... Just another day.

This is the price i have paid in living with my depression ... became so isolated ... that even i do not see myself anymore. I am not the once cheery bouncy little girl with the long blond hair. It's my birthday .... and i feel nothing at all ... It's my birthday ... and .... well ... it's just another day.

Happy Valentines Day everyone !

Jenna~

What Is Reality & What Is Fantasy?

Have you ever found out something you wished you really hadn't? Just blindly go on with life as if it never happened ? Have you ever had a friend who turned out to not be such a good friend after all ? Has that friend lied to you .. making you believe they were there for you when in reality they were NOT!

People will only show you what they want you to see , I have found this out over the years ... and yet ... still find myself getting hurt by those who would call themselves my "friends." Is it just our human nature to lie? I don't think it is ... I think it is more of a characteristic that needs to be forgotten and stomped out of our society to never return.

When did humanity and compassion take a backseat to personal gain ? People should think before they act ... everything has reaction to your actions ...

Why do we surround ourselves with people we know will end up hurting us? why do we dream just to never have those dreams realized ?

More questions than answers ... so much confusion ... lost in thought...

I wonder, someday .. will I ever find that completeness that most seem to have .. I will push on through till i do , but how much more suffering do i have to take.

Fake friends and falsehoods I can do without during my struggles ... I have enough disasters in my own life without others causing it IN MY LIFE for me ...

Jenna~

Thoughts of Regret

Yet another day of a sleepless night. I often stay awake at night when the earth is calm and no one is around. I feel at home in this isolation ... odd i know ... but more often than not there are many just like me. We sit behind our computers , reaching out to those we call friends online. You ask yourself are they truely my friends .. Do they even really care... some do .. some don't , it is all a gamble but one i have been glad to bet on.

Do you think a person can ever really be forgiven ? Do you think you could ever forgive yourself ? Thinking of all my mistakes of the past and present and i wonder ... who truely needs to be forgiven ... I think i need to forgive myself , but for what ... things i can not change ... for all the people i have hurt in my lifetime from innocent enough mistakes or over sights ? Do i honestly sabotage myself and cause my self more harm ... for what purpose ?

So many questions and no answers ... sitting in the dark waiting for a gentle voice to tell me it will be ok .. everything will be ok ..........but it never is ... and that voice is never heard. All leads up to resolve. Do you have things you regret and wished had happened differently ? Do you ever wish that just for one more moment in time .. even if it were for 5 minutes ... You could change it ... profess what needed to be said , get the closure you so desperately desired ....needed....

Sometimes ... Life has other things in mind .. and you never get that chance .. you are left behind to face demons you wish you never had to face ... you reach for closure only to find more pain .... You plead for death only to find a non existent life. Empty .... tired .... lonely. You become numb .. a different person than who you once were , a stranger in your own skin ... you cry .. and never know why. Insanity and chaos take over.

My struggles have only begun ... I ask now .. Do I have the strength to go on ? Of course i do .. but at what price will I have to pay in the end .........


Jenna~

Calming Nights

I sit here tonight ... listening to Mozart's - Moonlight Sonata... So relaxing .. so full of emotion ... it's calming. I have spent most the day in bed resting .. refreshing from the thoughts of this morning.. regaining that little sanity i call home most days.

Music is good for the soul i think. Expresses so many things without having to say a word. Many people use music to show their feelings ... either willingly or unwillingly music has always been a tail tail of ones mood and or emotion they may be in or feeling at the time.

Is it our own inability that makes it hard to relate to others through spoken word ... or crutch that has been handed down to us over time ... openness becomes closed off, hidden, and feared to even express how we feel .. what we are thinking ... or even show connection toward those around us?

We have moved into a digital age where everything is ruled by technology ... will we ever regain our humanity without the help from media files and machines ? One may never know ... and can only be helped through one person at a time ... or maybe this is our price for evolving and growing more intelligent ( or rather ignorant in some cases ).

All I can say personally for my self right now in present time .. Music calms me , sets a rythm to my life and helps me along the hard paths set before me ... i suppose the same is true for many. We live in the age of life in the express lane ... something needs to slow us down or we shall be lost in the confusion never to come back to the places we once left.

Jenna~

Waking Thoughts and distant memories..

As I awoke this morning... Yet again more feelings of loss , desperation , and despair. I often wonder what has happened to me to feel this empty inside. Could it be from losing the only man I ever really loved , could it be from some dark hidden secret from my past that plagues my memory with no memory at all ? Or maybe ... I am just that lonely anymore that i shut off from everyone and everything i know or have known.

I am actually getting very good at hiding how i truely feel ... but is this actually hurting me in the long run ? Shutting down to where i am nothing at all anymore... being one of the many few who have become invisible to all those around them?

Even though i feel depressed most days .. I am strong .. I do fight to live and get through these feelings with strive but i do feel myself dying more inside each day that passes with no end in sight. I fear myself ... I have never really liked myself ... and yet all those around me .. love me ... why ? I see nothing here but an empty shell that merely exists in a moment in time before time its self is over and i am no longer to be here ....

Maddening as this all seems ... the confusion , the lose , the pain , and the never ending questions ... I feel i must go through this for a purpose .. whatever that purpose may be ... has yet to show its self .. till then ... I will push through in hopes that some day .... I will be whole again...

Jenna~

Introduction

This will be a short intro into what my blog is about. Seeing how i am not a big blog buff this is and will be new to me. But....Seems to be easier and healthy for me to do online. Journals don't really work anymore due to I have no time to really sit down and write my thoughts , feelings or what emotions I may be feeling .. Life is hetic and growing faster day by day. Some of you will see this as another ohhhh let's not have a pitty party person ... In reality ... I am only making this for myself... If others enjoy it then I am glad that there are compassionate people still left in this world .. If others do not like it ... Then i am but a click away from your sight >.> Use it rather than wasting my time and yours on saying hateful things. :)

I am merely saying what i feel needs to be said in times of need .... Expression is a great thing no matter what form it comes in.

Jenna~