Massive Mistakes

This post will be rather different than the previous one. I never claimed healing would be easy or without its recourse. This week unfortunately I had a set back. Your mind is something of which has to be reprogrammed and sometimes old habits creep in and cause you severe pain. In my years living with depression , sorry to say, it has messed me up badly, enough I do not know who I am anymore. It's trail and error everyday and you will have the occasional slip ups. I did. One of which almost cost me my life. Depression is a monster...a beast that dwells within you , that loves your torment, often making you second guess and question yourself. When this happens there is no turning back... it's to late , damage is done. After it is all over you are left with once again hating yourself and wondering why you do , what you do. You can not let that defeat you. You must pick up and try to find something positive to latch onto or you will never survive the constant revolving of the dangerous and damaging pattern that has become your life.

In my mistake this week...it has been a long 3 days to over come. Most of the time I was just begging God to take me. I didn't want to live... the pain I was feeling is always to much to bare. Still is. I am losing control each time I am dealt with this......I honestly don't know what is keeping me going...The worse feeling in the world is that of losing control and not knowing how or why. I am certain though, God, does have a plan for me , otherwise I would not be here.

Wonder what it is.......

Just another painful path I must follow... wonder what the future holds.