This post will be rather different than the previous one. I never claimed healing would be easy or without its recourse. This week unfortunately I had a set back. Your mind is something of which has to be reprogrammed and sometimes old habits creep in and cause you severe pain. In my years living with depression , sorry to say, it has messed me up badly, enough I do not know who I am anymore. It's trail and error everyday and you will have the occasional slip ups. I did. One of which almost cost me my life. Depression is a monster...a beast that dwells within you , that loves your torment, often making you second guess and question yourself. When this happens there is no turning back... it's to late , damage is done. After it is all over you are left with once again hating yourself and wondering why you do , what you do. You can not let that defeat you. You must pick up and try to find something positive to latch onto or you will never survive the constant revolving of the dangerous and damaging pattern that has become your life.
In my mistake this week...it has been a long 3 days to over come. Most of the time I was just begging God to take me. I didn't want to live... the pain I was feeling is always to much to bare. Still is. I am losing control each time I am dealt with this......I honestly don't know what is keeping me going...The worse feeling in the world is that of losing control and not knowing how or why. I am certain though, God, does have a plan for me , otherwise I would not be here.
Wonder what it is.......
Just another painful path I must follow... wonder what the future holds.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Misdirects Post Illusions.
It's been awhile since last posting on here. Coming back around to the idea of flushing out all the thoughts, memories, and secret moments that of which bounce around in this head of mine. Looking back I can clearly see my transforming and spiritual evolution. I will say this...This past year has been a truck load of experience, failures, loses, break-throughs, and awakenings I have ever had to deal with or overcome.
I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.
Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.
My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.
I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.
Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.
My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
New year New life!
Well I have finally come back to update! I took a huge step in my life and finally filed for divorce. I feel this is the first step of rediscovering who I am. I was unhappy in my marriage for years , but lacked the courage to actually do anything about it.... Till now. It has been hard and a long process but each day I feel more and more like my life has a purpose , that someday I will be whole again and there is hope for my future.
Not saying this is a cure by any means , just that it is one of many steps I needed to take not only for myself but for my son as well. It was becoming very unhealthy for him to always see me in some much pain. For him to have to comfort me when my days were bad and felt alone. It is not his job to make me feel better but mine to look out for him. And so now ... I am.
I feel that make life will all come about when time is right but for now , even the smallest of steps are the rights ones to make.
Also getting back into designing , and getting out in the world again. Not always so fun to be stuck at home .. you feel like the world is passing you by and you become invisible to all those around. Now that I am taking positive steps ... I am looking for a positive future!
Not saying this is a cure by any means , just that it is one of many steps I needed to take not only for myself but for my son as well. It was becoming very unhealthy for him to always see me in some much pain. For him to have to comfort me when my days were bad and felt alone. It is not his job to make me feel better but mine to look out for him. And so now ... I am.
I feel that make life will all come about when time is right but for now , even the smallest of steps are the rights ones to make.
Also getting back into designing , and getting out in the world again. Not always so fun to be stuck at home .. you feel like the world is passing you by and you become invisible to all those around. Now that I am taking positive steps ... I am looking for a positive future!
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