Well here I sit again. Nothing much to report this time , other than stress is getting the better part of me and I have once again went the route of doing what always feels comfortable to me. Hide from my problems , shut down , and walk away. I really must find another way of dealing with my stresses and depression. Some days seem better than others , but again ... I only open myself up for hurt , pain , anger , let down , and various other emotions that eventually lead to me crashing. Patterns are getting rather out of hand , but at least I am able to now see them where as before I was not. I see this as a good sign. A step toward helping myself understand what goes on in this head of mine.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Been Awhile
Ok well it's been awhile sense my last blog. Nothing much really going on in my life .. things have been hetic, and rather stressful. Not sleeping well , and yet again sick again. Not all is lost though.. Been making head way on website , and getting some really good creative ideas lately on new designs. Business is slowing down some and giving me a much needed break.
Right now i am just in a retro thinking mode ... thinking of everything and yet nothing all at the same time ... i feel like i am accomplishing nothing really , spinning wheels to another slow burn.
I am sure one day my head will be right and all things in life will be zen like again , but for the moment , i am slowing down and enjoying the moments in time i am in ... sleep will come , and calm will settle my oh so scattered mind.
Right now i am just in a retro thinking mode ... thinking of everything and yet nothing all at the same time ... i feel like i am accomplishing nothing really , spinning wheels to another slow burn.
I am sure one day my head will be right and all things in life will be zen like again , but for the moment , i am slowing down and enjoying the moments in time i am in ... sleep will come , and calm will settle my oh so scattered mind.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Just Thoughts
You know through all my crap i deal with ... I can never forget those who help me through the rough times. In reality most of my friends are assholes who only care about themselves ... could be why i have such a crappy out look on friendship ... That's all i have known. My time online has been spent with various varities of people ranging from the bazar to the brilliant. Not all are so bad.
For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.
Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>
Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(
Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...
As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!
Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....
I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....
May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...
Jenna~
For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.
Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>
Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(
Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...
As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!
Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....
I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....
May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...
Jenna~
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