Just Thoughts

You know through all my crap i deal with ... I can never forget those who help me through the rough times. In reality most of my friends are assholes who only care about themselves ... could be why i have such a crappy out look on friendship ... That's all i have known. My time online has been spent with various varities of people ranging from the bazar to the brilliant. Not all are so bad.

For those who I do talk to daily and help me through some pretty bad moments ... well those people i cherish .. and will cherish for the rest of my life .... takes alot to deal with me and my issues , and these people ... well .. they all should have medals for putting up with my manic moods.

Even with those who do listen and do care .. no one can really know or understand the hell i am going through on a daily basis... Could you even imagine hating yourself so much you do self distructive crap to your self just to hurt your self >.>

Through my self re-discovery in the last year ... i found out .... i really don't like who i am .. i don't like the actions i do nor do i like the fact that i still have yet to really stand up for myself and be truely independent :(

Why do i depend on certain ppl .. what drives that need to have someone and yet not have them ... what pushes you (me) to not truely understand my own self? I dunno what happened in my past .. but it has created a pretty fucked up person in todays reality. I don't eat much (maybe once a day if i remember to eat , even then i force myself to eat) i isolate myself from even my own family ... my behavior dictates something i really dont want to face or am to scared to admit...

As i sit here ... now in tears once again .... the only question that is always there ...


WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!?!

Somewhere along the way ... I have lost myself and what it means to be me....

I do not search for sympathy ... i just merely want to know ........when will this all go away ... and i can once again be that happy little girl with a smile that brightens the world and dust off the days worries to face a bright new day ....

May never have that ... but there is always .... Hope...

Jenna~

Just another day ..

Well today is my birthday... and i feel no different than the day before. Illusions are still all the same and for one moment i thought.... maybe .. just maybe...... this day will be different .. that for some reason I will have some sort of day without worry , pain , loneliness ... But again... Today is no different than any other day. Life is moving on ... no birthday cake to blow out the candles , no one to give me a hug and say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" no friends to throw that all so annoying surprise party where everyone gets so drunk that everyone is laughing at each other by the end of the night.

As we grow older , we come to realize that your birthday is just another day ... carries no real importance other than you are once again one more year older and closer to death. When you are a child ... and your parents throw you that birthday party , all your friends and family are over you sing , you laugh , you eat cake and ice cream ... You feel you are the only person in the world and that special feeling makes you feel loved....Special...

You get older .... the parties begin to fade ... your family is busy working .. and your friends have went on to live their own lives .... doesn't make you feel that special anymore ... Just another day.

This is the price i have paid in living with my depression ... became so isolated ... that even i do not see myself anymore. I am not the once cheery bouncy little girl with the long blond hair. It's my birthday .... and i feel nothing at all ... It's my birthday ... and .... well ... it's just another day.

Happy Valentines Day everyone !

Jenna~

What Is Reality & What Is Fantasy?

Have you ever found out something you wished you really hadn't? Just blindly go on with life as if it never happened ? Have you ever had a friend who turned out to not be such a good friend after all ? Has that friend lied to you .. making you believe they were there for you when in reality they were NOT!

People will only show you what they want you to see , I have found this out over the years ... and yet ... still find myself getting hurt by those who would call themselves my "friends." Is it just our human nature to lie? I don't think it is ... I think it is more of a characteristic that needs to be forgotten and stomped out of our society to never return.

When did humanity and compassion take a backseat to personal gain ? People should think before they act ... everything has reaction to your actions ...

Why do we surround ourselves with people we know will end up hurting us? why do we dream just to never have those dreams realized ?

More questions than answers ... so much confusion ... lost in thought...

I wonder, someday .. will I ever find that completeness that most seem to have .. I will push on through till i do , but how much more suffering do i have to take.

Fake friends and falsehoods I can do without during my struggles ... I have enough disasters in my own life without others causing it IN MY LIFE for me ...

Jenna~