Misdirects Post Illusions.

It's been awhile since last posting on here. Coming back around to the idea of flushing out all the thoughts, memories, and secret moments that of which bounce around in this head of mine. Looking back I can clearly see my transforming and spiritual evolution. I will say this...This past year has been a truck load of experience, failures, loses, break-throughs, and awakenings I have ever had to deal with or overcome.

I don't much mind anymore the small trivial moments or circumstances in which we all face in our daily lives, but however notice the bigger picture that's hidden beyond the secret doors. I truly believe that humanity has forgotten how to pause their lives, sit back and reflect, and question the choices in which they make, and in doing so evaluate the affect it has had upon you and your life. I thought about that for a moment then began to reflect on my own life. This has been years of progression and as you will soon know, self - loathing.

Now , now, before you start thinking that was a bad thing, in reality, it was not. You begin to notice issues that arose from traumas , whether personal/emotional, physical or life threatening, in which began to sculpt you, change your innocence, build annoying little walls we all create for protection which only in the end hurt you more.

My defining moment came a few years back, shortly after my divorce. I always hid away my deepest and often times truest feelings regarding almost everything surrounding me. I lived with depression majority of my life but always shrugged with the, "why?" and stupidly chose to ignore it while telling others "I'm fine, I can deal with it." You don't know how much damage that actually caused, not only to my spirit, my own being, but to my entire network of friends, family and most of all my son. To get back to my point at hand....It was nearly a year after the divorce, which in it's self added even more to the already implosion that was about to occur and before you knew it... the stress, the emotions, the inner and outer turmoil that was etching away at me... I had a break down! A rather public and revealing one at that. I knew then... it was NOT ok! that I wasn't dealing with it and needed help.

New year New life!

Well I have finally come back to update! I took a huge step in my life and finally filed for divorce. I feel this is the first step of rediscovering who I am. I was unhappy in my marriage for years , but lacked the courage to actually do anything about it.... Till now. It has been hard and a long process but each day I feel more and more like my life has a purpose , that someday I will be whole again and there is hope for my future.

Not saying this is a cure by any means , just that it is one of many steps I needed to take not only for myself but for my son as well. It was becoming very unhealthy for him to always see me in some much pain. For him to have to comfort me when my days were bad and felt alone. It is not his job to make me feel better but mine to look out for him. And so now ... I am.

I feel that make life will all come about when time is right but for now , even the smallest of steps are the rights ones to make.

Also getting back into designing , and getting out in the world again. Not always so fun to be stuck at home .. you feel like the world is passing you by and you become invisible to all those around. Now that I am taking positive steps ... I am looking for a positive future!

Good days and the bad

Do you have days that are good and then comes the bad? When things are good you can laugh about anything , but when they are bad ..... you wish you were never even born , life just seems to punch you right where it hurts and you feel not wanted , needed or even seen for who you are. Today is one of those days .... no matter what i do , think say or feel ..... i am never going to be what everyone wants me to be .... I am not perfect .... i am not made of stone ....

I have emotions , i have thoughts and feelings that no one really wants to hear ... because if they hear them ... then i become human ... not important enough to be seen....

I try so hard to make everyone else happy ..... alll i really do is get hurt , and hurt back ...... somedays i just feel invisible to those who love me .... never knowing why but in the end .... just another day of feeling worthless .

My life with depression

My life with pain of not knowing why

My life with ........

Just my life.