Deep Thought & Reflection. Inner Demons Revealed!!

 Notation:: This note is for those whom have known me for quite some time. You may find this informational but an extreme insight into my world, my life, my inner most being. As you all may discover... I have never been this candid nor open about my personal life and or struggles. So be forwarned...Also do not feel pitty, or sad for me or what I have gone through or will. I welcome it and its a good step for me. So be happy and learn.

 This is my journey...


It has been a very long, distressing, humbling road for me in this chapter of my life. My Journey. Even though I have been tested past my limits a few times , God always was there to tell me to buck up....find it within myself to gain the strength to learn what he has to show me, push past the pain, embrace the unknown, and absorb knowledge. Open my eyes and really see the truth.

I have spent a life time destroying my own life. Creating my own personal hell. Falling into the waste land of despair that all but devours you whole. If a person is not paying attention , they can be lost to all...even to them selves.

If you have taken a portion of this journey with me in this blog... then you know it is truly a day by day basis. You will have ups and downs...You will have challenges that arise and act as a huge ass monkey wrench that not only threw a kink into your engine but has actually torn / ripped a hole through your entire motor and dropped it out right beneath your very own feet.

New Year On The Way to a New Me!!

 It is now Feb 2013! The beginning of this new year has yielded a surprising turn and welcomed new start. After a year of therapy, medication prescribed by doctor and some well needed life changes , things have changed for the better for myself and my depression. Among one of the most important changes I have made is...embracing the lack of control we really have over our life. We go through life believing we have control over what is happening or what we choose in our life, however it is very limited and what we perceive as control is not. Embracing the lack of that control is rather freeing. I have learned that I do not need to stress over that which I do not truly control. There are many lessons to be learned over that frame of mind.

This year has brought better attitudes to those around me (well most of those around me) who have stopped pushing my buttons and overloading my mind with extreme stress and drama that I am no longer able to handle....making life smoother and so much easier for me to handle. There is still a lot to cover, change, and somehow bring about a better way to communicate, but optimistic toward the future.

In all of that said above , I have also made a stand and brought back my voice. No longer blindly doing what others want me to do , or taking in things that only destroy me I have once again brought out my , what I like to call and have told others, "my inner bitch!", which intimidates some but what do I care? as long as I am doing for myself instead of for others....makes one so much more happier.

I have so much work to do on my anxiety still. Due to situations that occurred during December I had a HUGE set back in that department, however will not let that get in the way of my resolve. I will push past those issues to become whole again...it will just take more time. 

So remember if anything you can get out of this post... take this with you...

YOU! have to remember yourself and do for yourself and BE yourself in order to have any sort of recovery and happiness. Don't let anyone or anything type cast you to someone who you could never be and free the person inside you who only wants to live and be happy.

And there is no one.......

Yesterday was .........I don't know what to do anymore....One of the most painful things I have ever had to do.... is... walk away from the man I am in love with........

We will never touch again.... we will never kiss...... we will never be in each others arms again....I won't be welcoming him home, I will not get that excited feeling as I see him drive up anymore ... I have lost everything...........And now......... a shattered heart .........I don't want to feel anymore...

If anything I have gotten out of this last relationship is...........to give up! Done trying.....no strength left, no trust left, no security left, no happiness left, no family left, no home.........my heart hurts so much, physically I am being effected by this pain........No longer want anyone .... no longer going to try ... going to just stop!

I have spent most the night trying to breath right , my chest is hurting so bad I fear I might have to go see doc.....my nerves are shot and now not only do I feel completely alone.... I am :(

I constantly look at my life and wonder what terrible wrong did I do to be going through this..........Why me ? whats wrong with me??????? what have I done to be so isolated... mistreated, abused, discarded, left! Why doesn't anyone love me ?.............

why........

so I am stopping... I give up ... I give in .......

I'm Sorry :((